once upon a time, there lived a notorious creature who preferred lurking at the corner of a room, instead of presenting herself to socialise among strangers. because of this, she had developed a strange illness, an incurable illness, to voice her opinions - usually only unhappiness/insults/bad comments/abuses because it will be so unlike her to comment something positive - behind people's back. thus, she had self-attained the golden title of The Holy Moley Complain Queen. today, i attempt to write a testimony of her humbly, praying hard that none of the contents will somehow agitate her, because i'm well aware of the consequences i have to bear. but believe me, all the things that i write will be purely factual, and i dare commit myself to this promise, that if i speak of a sinful lie, a fireball will strike my head so hard, i'll become an indian in 2 seconds. so, here it goes, with great honour...

as i've mentioned earlier on, she likes to speak bad about people among her friends, which is a move only the smartest of geniuses can think of. this move contains ample slickness to be delivered among friends, and that by doing so, it will surely be contained. as a normal being (not to be compared with her), i understand that socialising is very vital, because your friends make your life. however, i'm afraid she doesn't. being so young and naive, she believes that since she is a failure in making friends, her, surprisingly, friends is also under the same state, of being pressurised everyday by the problem of not having friends. and so, she continues to live in denial, not having enough guts to speak up openly. like how my chinese teacher, mrs chuang, puts it, "oral zhe me yang (your oral how) .?". but this is something you should applaud, because it takes skill to be stupid and dumb at the same time.

her naivety doesn't just end here. i remember the time i had a small quarrel with her. it was bliss, i tell you. i got to experience first-hand her intelligence, and acknowledged that she has got what it takes to be a mcdonald's waitress, which i didn't believe initally. she was wailing loudly like a baby, with enough frequency and amplitude to let somebody go deaf. out of anger, i turned, and shouted for her to shut her mouth. she said, "_________________________," which made me went bonkers. in immense hysteria, ecstatically, i admitted defeat, which was a blessing in disguise having heard the most justifiable logic ever in my entire life. that point of time was extremely golden. she shouted back at me, "my mouth what," hold on - true enough, it's your mouth, you deserve the right to make use of it. but in that exact setting, NOFUCKINGHELL SHOULD SHE SPEAK WITH SUCH IRRITATION. i really hand it to her. using the logic i extracted from her actions, this means that during a solemn congregation, when a pastor is conveying the Lord's message to almost 7000 people in a hall, one can stand up, and shout, "I'M GOING TO EAT CRYSTAL JADE LATER.!" if this example is not good enough, here's another one - when you're in the movie theatre, watching the first ever NC16 movie after celebrating your sweet 16th birthday last week, you can chatter incessantly with your friends, telling them that your mother's going to pay for your operation to laser off your mole due next month. if this haven't satisfy you enough, here's the last and most practical one, which happens to newtowners everyday - during the singing of national anthem - supposedly a solemn event to respect your nation, or just merely nor alam shah or lionel lewis - one can look into his bag, take out the skipping ropes, start skipping in circles around the parade square, and start singing his favourite song. then, mr yee can resume the activities for his later TAF club members. the flag raisers will raise the flag, with their heads tilted back, talking to their best schoolmates. mr john lim will redefine the word, "man" by flirting with mdn neo at the platform outside the canteen. you'll see them talking about how ya kun kaya toast was much better than killiney's, how their english lessons the day before went, and finally, if they should allow desmond to start his soccer club every saturday. soon. very soon. give some time for the teachers to impart this skill of, "talking at the wrong time, loud and sharp enough, and scold the person who disagrees with this worldly logic," to the students. the education system will never be the same again. you will see the disastrous effects of over-noise population. again, this is truly something you should applaud, as it takes skill to be stupid and dumb at the same time.

last but not least, the most unforgettable and catastrophic incident that happened in the dnt studio. she, the notorious creature, had a quarrel... again. this time, with a close classmate of mine. judging by her size, she is thin, bears a frail stature, and looks lethargic all the time. you must get this into your head, before you can judge, or comprehend what i am going to say. it all happened in a rapid succession. it was a bright and sunny day, the minds of the 4/4 students were brimming with creative juices, ready to start on the next folio assignment, when the notorious creature walked past the frail and feeble girl, intentionally banged into her shoulder for a reason only her kind could accept, and thought that it'd be over. she was so wrong. the supposedly frail girl jumped up, and as she did, stripped to reveal her superwoman vest underneath her uniform, fished out her samurai sword from the holster hanging from her belt at her waist, and started slashing hard at her face, which was already excessively damaged all thanks to her parent's genes. okay, just kidding. the girl scolded something really really bad. ): and the creature's instant reaction, being one with so much knowledge and coming from a well-educated family, with a good sense of literacy, and having the proficiency of setting new logics for mankind, promised to sue the girl for her actions. from what i understand, the although-3-letters-but-very-bloody-powerful-word carries a very heavy and strong meaning. it means to employ a lawyer, bring the opposition to court, and bring justice and civilisation to the country. i mean if vulgarities were uncommon in this world, sueing would be a reasonable choice. but with so many people around the world including the 4-letter-word in almost all of their sentences, and saying it so openly, vulgarities are a norm already. they are merely just normal and complimentary words used in everyday life to add some spice to language. and so, the creature went ahead with the papers, and decided to sue the girl. you better watch out you know - the next time you walk past her, you better not do anything to provoke her. wait.. she may sue you for walking past her.!

if sueing was to be done to resolve even in the simplest of matters, then i want to tell the world that i want to sue lee hsien long for the gst hike, sue the indian guy who accidentally kicked the ball at me, sue my form teacher who marked me late this morning, sue my mom for giving $40 to me a week only, sue my father for downgrading from a terrace to a condo, sue mdm neo for speaking bad english, sue the drink stall auntie who refused to sell me teh-o on saturday, sue the convenience store for closing at 10pm, sue Hare for pricing its pointies at such a high price, sue xiaxue for flashing too much of her blubber, sue blogger because i get hate tags occasionally, sue the click five for making bad and senseless music, sue mr david goh for having a big red car, sue my brother for reading my blog, sue the guard at the condo gates for wanting to see my access card, sue mrs chuang because she speaks too much, sue my bed because it is so hard, sue my computer when i get myopia one day, AND FUCKING SUE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD BECAUSE THEY HAVE BETTER VOICE THAN ME.!

then again, have you thought about it.? you may easily get sued too.! i'm gonna get sued for playing the drums in my room and disturbing the neighbourhood, sued for playing good football, sued for eating stall 8's rice every recess, sued for blogging too much, sued for listening to cryin' by Aerosmith now, sued for having 2 CCAs in school, sued for having a small room that won't fit me, etcetra. i'll get sued for almost everything.! soon enough, the lawyers will be on the run - they're gonna get ferraris, buy mansions, pay for celebrity prostitutes, get good and expensive liquor, and party everyday.! the richer and more famous lawyers will be buying countries over already, and not just small properties along Toh Tuck Road.!

but then again, this shows how much she loves herself, that she'd go out all to protect herself. you have to applaud her for being stupid and dumb at the same time, this time, i am fucking serious.

you see, i didn't type all this because i was bored - i typed all this so that you people can learn from her grave mistakes. you have to understand that being a normal human being is actually a simple task - just be yourself, do things your way, and not be a girl, with men's hairstyle.! also take note - DON'T ATTEMPT TO SET UNREASONABLE LOGICS FOR MANKIND, IT WILL ONLY BACKFIRE. also, don't shun from chemistry lessons when mrs ang is starting a new topic on MOLE. don't spend your entire savings on nice shoes, nice and colourful sport bras, medicures, pedicures, ugly haircut, when you have a face waiting to be corrected. spend your money on what's more important first, before doing the others. learn to prioritise.! and whenever you need to insult somebody, don't use mediums such as blogger, but do it right in the person's face. OKAY.?!

i will not conclude with her identity to protect her already damaged face. if you managed to guess who this creature is, please keep it a secret, because if it spreads, i'll be dead.!

please bear in mind that the prestigious monitor of 4/4 did not want to resort to such an ugly confession - he was left with no choice, after repeated hate entries.